Thinking

Perhaps I'm doing too much of this thinking thing. Mind you, I have had a lot of time to do so. Three weeks of unemployment will do that to you. Yes, I have been busy during this time as I search, have interviews and enjoy time with friends and family, but I have had a fair amount of time sitting alone in my home or walking places. During those times I'm thinking long and deeply. Yesterday I went to pick up some rolls for dinner with some friends and after doing so I headed to a friend's place to get a ride to our friend's place. In the short walk across the parking lot street I had a very deep thought that I had to wish away or else my emotions would have gotten tied into it and I would have shown up looking distraught. My most recent status posted on Facebook brings to light some of that thought:

What is living by faith? What does it mean for you and me? Well I can tell one thing; I'm missing it altogether. If I were living by faith I wouldn't be worrying or stressing about my present circumstances. How is it that when I left my job I had perfect peace, but going into my fourth week without work I've lost that peace. Oh how I need to trust in Him...this is going to be a long road. Even though I know it'll all work out in the end. I'm struggling greatly right now...praying for peace, faith and trust in my Almighty God/Father.

I know that I'm not trusting although I say I am. I know that if I was that I would have perfect peace, I know that I would feel God's presence. I can't say that I don't, but I certainly don't feel it, like I should if I truly gave it all to him. God gave me complete peace when I surrendered the potential of leaving my job, but as the second week passed on without any job offers or interviews I quickly lost that. To say that I'm growing weary might be quite accurate to the point of feeling ill most every night. I know the bills will start coming in soon and that I have this crazy need of eating every few hours. I can only distract myself for so long and then suddenly I start feeling ill again. I would covet your prayers deeply today and in the days to come. I do not believe that I will come to perfect peace without this act of love.