Alone

This could be a long blog, so if you don't have some time come back later.

This last year has been far different from the previous 3 years. I was surrounded by people almost everywhere I went. If I wanted to be alone I would retreat to my room. Although it was not always a peaceful alone time with my paper wall the previous two years. Then the year before that I had a bedroom mate. This year though in Calgary I had one VERY quiet roommate. Sometimes I didn't even know she was there. Then in the Czech Republic I lived on my own. Now back in Canada I am living with a great couple whom I feel blessed to live with, but I basically only see then for meals etc. We do watch a movie together from time to time but not much talking in that.

Life is different than I once knew it. It I wanted to visit with someone I would just come out of my room or go to someone room or go find some place to be to be around people. This is not so much the case anymore. Most of my dearest and closest friends have all moved a good distance away from Cambridge. I have some friends here though so it is nice to see them once in a while. But what I do long for is intimacy...who can I talk to about the deepest struggles and fears that I have? Who will be there when I really need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to? Where will my help come from when I feel weary or depressed? Who will hold me accountable to the things which I claim so dear to my heart?

I have had much time to contemplate these things when I am alone. I was sitting in Tim Hortons today and I was feeling overwhelmed with my loneliness. Over the past several months I have felt dry in my walk with Christ and do not really know why that is. I feel like I was doing really well and found myself challenged greatly on the field in the Czech Republic, but yet fully clinging to God. Now I feel an inward battle. I honestly don't know how to describe it or know what is causing this feeling. However this is a feeling that I had similar to last Fall when God was working on something deep with in me and apparently other girls in my program as well. Talk about a confession session. It was a blessing then and it still is today as I look back and see where God has brought me and what he has taught me since then.

Over the last couple of weeks I have caught myself off guard with realizing that I was praying. My heart was in it for sure, but it wasn't until I started thinking about what I was saying that I realized that I was praying. I know now that my prayer life was suffering, but now is going well. In moments of silence and alone time I listen and wait. God is talking to me, having me see my sinful thoughts and ways. There were times in my life when I would think I'm not so bad, sure I do some bad things to people that they know of like the way that I talk to them and such. Though the last little while as I have looked at people with a tinge of judgement in my mind the Lord has been gently rebuking me or other similar things and he is working there too. I hate seeing the ugliness inside of me it is disgusting and revolting! Then I look at what Jesus has done for me and yet it doesn't make sense as to why God would want to take all the ugliness from me and from you. Yes I know that he loves us and wants to have a genuine relationship with us. The part that I still have such a hard to understanding is how easy it is to have a relationship with God. He just wants us to call on his name, confess with out mouth that Jesus is Lord and that he died for our sins. Then we are to confess our sins and turn from them, 180 degree turn. Talking about leaving the life behind you that you once lived and walking in the direction of our Lord and Saviour. It just seems so simple. Yes it is that simple, although the Christian walk is not all peaches and cream, but it is what we are called to do. We were made to Glorify God, the only way that we can do that is by having a personal relationship with him. Personal, like walking life with your best friend. We both talk and listen, we are there for one another in good and bad, sickness and health. So backing up to my questions that I have up there
...who can I talk to about the deepest struggles and fears that I have? Who will be there when I really need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to? Where will my help come from when I feel weary or depressed? Who will hold me accountable to the things which I claim so dear to my heart?

The answer is God. I may struggle with this loneliness from time to time, but I know who will ALWAYS be there when I need them. I just hope and pray that I will continue to pursue him into bringing him glory.