Alone

This could be a long blog, so if you don't have some time come back later.

This last year has been far different from the previous 3 years. I was surrounded by people almost everywhere I went. If I wanted to be alone I would retreat to my room. Although it was not always a peaceful alone time with my paper wall the previous two years. Then the year before that I had a bedroom mate. This year though in Calgary I had one VERY quiet roommate. Sometimes I didn't even know she was there. Then in the Czech Republic I lived on my own. Now back in Canada I am living with a great couple whom I feel blessed to live with, but I basically only see then for meals etc. We do watch a movie together from time to time but not much talking in that.

Life is different than I once knew it. It I wanted to visit with someone I would just come out of my room or go to someone room or go find some place to be to be around people. This is not so much the case anymore. Most of my dearest and closest friends have all moved a good distance away from Cambridge. I have some friends here though so it is nice to see them once in a while. But what I do long for is intimacy...who can I talk to about the deepest struggles and fears that I have? Who will be there when I really need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to? Where will my help come from when I feel weary or depressed? Who will hold me accountable to the things which I claim so dear to my heart?

I have had much time to contemplate these things when I am alone. I was sitting in Tim Hortons today and I was feeling overwhelmed with my loneliness. Over the past several months I have felt dry in my walk with Christ and do not really know why that is. I feel like I was doing really well and found myself challenged greatly on the field in the Czech Republic, but yet fully clinging to God. Now I feel an inward battle. I honestly don't know how to describe it or know what is causing this feeling. However this is a feeling that I had similar to last Fall when God was working on something deep with in me and apparently other girls in my program as well. Talk about a confession session. It was a blessing then and it still is today as I look back and see where God has brought me and what he has taught me since then.

Over the last couple of weeks I have caught myself off guard with realizing that I was praying. My heart was in it for sure, but it wasn't until I started thinking about what I was saying that I realized that I was praying. I know now that my prayer life was suffering, but now is going well. In moments of silence and alone time I listen and wait. God is talking to me, having me see my sinful thoughts and ways. There were times in my life when I would think I'm not so bad, sure I do some bad things to people that they know of like the way that I talk to them and such. Though the last little while as I have looked at people with a tinge of judgement in my mind the Lord has been gently rebuking me or other similar things and he is working there too. I hate seeing the ugliness inside of me it is disgusting and revolting! Then I look at what Jesus has done for me and yet it doesn't make sense as to why God would want to take all the ugliness from me and from you. Yes I know that he loves us and wants to have a genuine relationship with us. The part that I still have such a hard to understanding is how easy it is to have a relationship with God. He just wants us to call on his name, confess with out mouth that Jesus is Lord and that he died for our sins. Then we are to confess our sins and turn from them, 180 degree turn. Talking about leaving the life behind you that you once lived and walking in the direction of our Lord and Saviour. It just seems so simple. Yes it is that simple, although the Christian walk is not all peaches and cream, but it is what we are called to do. We were made to Glorify God, the only way that we can do that is by having a personal relationship with him. Personal, like walking life with your best friend. We both talk and listen, we are there for one another in good and bad, sickness and health. So backing up to my questions that I have up there
...who can I talk to about the deepest struggles and fears that I have? Who will be there when I really need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to? Where will my help come from when I feel weary or depressed? Who will hold me accountable to the things which I claim so dear to my heart?

The answer is God. I may struggle with this loneliness from time to time, but I know who will ALWAYS be there when I need them. I just hope and pray that I will continue to pursue him into bringing him glory.

What is my problem?

I actually know what my problem is but how do I solve the problem. I have been telling myself for days that I need to work on my exam and get researching for the paper. Days I tell you. I brought up the exam a few times and then I close it up. I have no desire what so ever to do it. I don't know how to change that. I know that I will feel better once it is done, but I would much rather do nothing at all. I would like to crochet, paint anything but write up my exam and start researching. This is ridiculous! How does one go about motivating herself? I honestly don't have a clue. Blah...anyone have any suggestions?

To indulge or not to indulge!

So I am working on losing weight which has been a very long battle. I eat pretty health most of the time, having a treat here and there. There were two specials on at Zehrs this week that were hard to say no to. First thing I noticed was Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream 3 for $10 for the 500ml cartons. Then there was also a meal deal on, a bbq chicken, salad and wedges. So this was my lupper. It was quite the tasty treat to eat, with the anticipation of the delicious "Half Baked" ice cream waiting for me in the freezer. Now I have eaten Ben and Jerry's once I believe, so I did not remember how delicious this ice cream would be. a spoonful here and there and before I knew it the tub was gone. Now I must confess that I didn't stop eating it because someone else was eating their whole thing. So I didn't want to stop either. I was very full afterwards and really regretted eating all of the two cups of ice cream. However, boy oh boy was it tasty. I will say I suffered greatly from my over indulgence. Yes I said over...it was too much. About an hour after eating this I became very lathargic and flopped on my bed. I fell asleep almost right away and time slipped away from me, before I knew it I had 45 minutes left before I would have to leave to go to the prayer meeting at church. I debated it actually if I should go, I didn't know if I would have the energy to walk there and back. However I forced myself wanting to walk off some of the effects of the ice cream as well as some of the many calories I inhaled. I feel much better now that I have at least 40 minutes worth of walking in after such an intake of food. Lesson learned one serving of ice cream will do. Any other treats need to be broken down too...I have a goal in mind and I am determined to reach it.

"Let the races begin!"

I started the new job on Monday and boy did I hit it off with one of the key holders who was training me. She talked about her other job as she works at a dirt track. I got excited because not even a week before that I asked my landlord's if there was a track nearby. They didn't know, well apparently there is one only 45 minutes away. So I talked with my co-worker and said that I just love the sprint cars. She was shocked that I knew what a sprint car was and that I enjoyed the races. At the end of the night she gave me two for one passes.


My first day was great and knew right away that this was the perfect place for me. The girls have already been teasing me and I them. They wonder why I need training as I already know most everything about retail cleaning and folding of the clothes.

I was only scheduled to work Monday and Saturday as I am training. However, I got a call on Wednesday to pick up an extra shift, so I did, but it wasn't a 3 or 4 hour shift. It was a full shift of 6 hours, would have been 7 but they called less than an hour of when they wanted me to come in.

I'm love it already, this is good and so is the Lord for providing it.

30!

I turned 30 today and was treated real special. My cousin invited me to her place for some lunch so I played with her baby and stuff. My mom told me to take my time etc. So I called my mom to see if the kids were ready for me and stuff so I could come home. Well everyone was in on things for me. my aunt came to meet me at my cousins to walk with me back home for her "walk", trying to get me to walk slowly and walking a different way and everything. Then I came home and saw a big sign on the front lawn that the children coloured it, walked inside and it smelled good, like sweet and sour meatballs. Here I thought that they were taking me to Montana's. Walk into the kitchen and there was a table set up with food and a cake on the table and everything. Another on of my aunts was in the play room with the children. Then my cousin came in with her three children and my sister as she went to pick her up and then they told me that I walk too fast. haha. This is the cousin whose house I was just at. My friend Niki was there with her hubby and of course the girls. My dad came late unfortunately with his fiance Felica. We had a great time overall, just chilling out and having some fun and talking. T'was a pleasant day. No Montana's with just my parents, other people were involved on my turning of three decades and I really enjoyed it.

As for turning 30, well I have to say that I have not reached anything that I aspired to be by this time in my life. Like my career choice for example (I was planning on being an interior designer) and figured my schooling would be over by now...one more year. I had hoped to be married by 23 with children to follow within the next year...no prospects as of yet, but I do have 6 very important children in my life. Hopefully they all know it...I believe that 4 of them are sure as I see them most often. I have been dealing with how I feel about turning 30 for a few weeks and to be honest it feels sort of depressing because I did not achieve anything that "I planned" by this time. However I have also been thinking that I was also not in tune with what God wanted from me at that point. I am also not the same person that I was at 23 when I had hoped to be married. I have grown and matured in many ways since then. I almost have my degree, which will be acquired before I am 31. Where were these depressing thoughts coming from? I would say from the world, where people in the world put on the pressures to be someone within 5 years after high school. Where people marry their high school sweetheart or their first love from college or unversity. I am where God wants me to be. I have Tabetha and some others to thank for reminding me of that and helping me to get my thinking straight.

Blessings,

Christina